Elyse (everyday_fire) wrote,

I've been in that state of mind I get into sometimes... Half in this world, half... ummm...? Just not. It is a combination of sullen and solitary. The act of staring into space, pondering the most random, implausible-yet-intruiging bullshit. Or worse, totally inane everyday worries bullshit. Introspective to the point of feeling turned inside out. I feel bad for my wife when I get into this mode, because we could not be any more opposite if we tried. But we love each other and try to remember and respect that one of is "needy" and one of us is "independent", as one of us would say. She's with her family right now, which is probably better for her; I feel like since I don't have the option to be dazed or solitary at work, once I'm out, it's on. I deleted half the music on my iPod because I was sick of the all music being so upbeat. Joni Mitchell and Pink Floyd are in my brain and my guts. During the Chinese Medicine/Shiatsu portion of massage school, we learned about how people are categorized by the elements... Long lists of personality traits, physical symptoms... Metal. With imbalance comes sadness, respiratory problems, skin problems, the urge to sigh... Earth nurtures metal. Metal nurtures water. Water nurtures wood. Wood nurtures fire. Fire nurtures earth. "Exercise is the best cure for an earth imbalance." Ugh. So lazy. Was doing so good. I know I'm fine. I know everything is fine. I just feel like one of those people who goes and lives in a cave by choice sometimes. I have that feeling and then I picture myself actually sitting in a cave alone... It's not that appealing after what I imagine would amount to a few days... It's just a metaphor for the space I want for my brain. And why am I reserving so much space for my brain anyway? It's just an organ. It's not ME. It's a receptor for information, not the one who uses the information to make a choice. Right? I know I am made of cells, but do cells make decisions? Who is in here? Where has she been? Where is she now? I picture myself as pure energy sometimes; everywhere, nowhere, bursting with light, fueled by joy, rocketing through space with a sound like an angelic tea pot ever-present. And then I'm born. Again.
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