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Conscious Evolution
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Date:2013-04-07 07:44
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Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

(1 saucy secret | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2011-09-12 09:43
Subject:
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So, I applied for this Program Manager position at Springbrook at have an interview on Wednesday at 10am... I am very excited and very nervous.

https://www4.recruitingcenter.net/Clients/springbrookny/PublicJobs/controller.cfm?jbaction=JobProfile&Job_Id=10249&esid=az

I'm partially afraid I won't get it and partially afraid that I will.

(3 saucy secrets | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2011-08-09 12:42
Subject:
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I know that Cat Deeley is saying "fox.com", but all I hear is "fux.cum".

(2 saucy secrets | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2011-03-14 17:55
Subject:
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Two 40-something-year-old moms both told me that I'm their "work wife" this past week... It was totally bizarre. I didn't have the heart to tell either one of them that I considered them more like a "work MOM". Then I did the math and realized I'm a lot closer to their ages than their kids' ages... It's kind of weird being 30, sometimes. Most the time it's pretty great.

(1 saucy secret | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2011-01-25 14:12
Subject:
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Ugh I feel so cranky/angry today... My period is a week late, I feel like I have extended PMS or something. My body has been giving me the indication that we are about to start bleeding for the past week but the big event has not come to town yet. I was hoping it would start on Sunday so I could get the worst of it out of the way before my work week starts again tomorrow... I was also hoping for that the week before. I was SO PISSED when I got on the Wii Fit this morning and my weight was up like two pounds despite my good efforts yesterday... Normally I would be annoyed, but this morning I was piiiissssssssssssssssssssed.

Anyway.

Fuck, I just typed a paragraph and then somehow selected it and deleted it. I don't even know how to do that shit.

Anyway.

I made my personal best soup yesterday... After my last attempt BURNED. Yes, I BURNED the soup. Well, it was more a matter of cooking at too high a temperature and scorching the bottom of the pan and the beans and rice that happened to be residing there. the whole thing just tasted burned and disgusting. It all went down the garbage disposal. It was sad. And super annoying. Especially since other people were supposed to be coming over to enjoy it. Sooooooo, yesterday I decided I was going to try again and keep it low and not walk away and forget it for too long and love it up. I put half the vegetables and beans in the blender so it would be thick without me having to add anything except spices. I made some beautiful wheat croutons as well. It was a big hit. Ben and Zach ended up coming over and having some so I felt like I redeemed myself or something. Ha.

I had a little baby sister in my dream last night... I kept holding her and calling her "sister" because I wanted her to know who I was.

(whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2011-01-10 09:45
Subject:
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I'm concentrating on my health in 2011. Good nutrition, lots of water, physical activity, wayyyyyyy less smoking, earlier bedtimes, positive/thankful thoughts... I don't want this to be another one of those phases I went through, either. I want to feel good and I know the choices I've made in the past have kept me feeling depressed, fat, TIRED, unmotivated, sick, gloomy and despondent. Not to mention poor. My wife and I are supporting each other in this endeavor to make choices for our health, that we may spend a long and active life together and perhaps have a family of our own someday. Health and debt elimination. Good goals for a 30-year-old :)

(2 saucy secrets | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-12-16 01:23
Subject:
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Soooo... I'm 30 now. I spent it in Las Vegas with my lovely wife. It was a great trip, but the best part was renting a car and driving out to Redrock Canyon... The mountains, the sun, the warmth, the views... Just amazing.

I forgot that some places in the country still allow smoking indoors!!! The cigarette smoke wasn't pleasant, but the cigar smoke was horrific. We were in the Bellagio one night just checking it out and I got a whiff of the tobacco my grandfather used to smoke... Carter Hall, I would know it anywhere! It brought tears to my eyes immediately... I still feel like the smell is right there, just beyond the point where I grasp it...

<3

(whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-11-01 10:03
Subject:
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Last night Pathy and I were driving home in silence and I got the urge to start singing "I've... had... the time of my liiiiiiiiiiife, and I've neeeeeeever felt this way before..." and she turned on the cd player in the car and played the song because she had been listening to the Footloose soundtrack last :)

(whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-09-03 22:37
Subject:
Security:Public

I have had a two-hour documentary called "The Buddha" on my DVR since April... I've watched it a few times and am watching it again now. It's beautifully done and there is this one young monk that makes me smile every time he shares his thoughts... He's lovely, joyous, poetic and concise.

My body is getting ready to bleed. I don't see the point of it. Evolve, uterus. No cushy lining needed. Thanks.

My dream house is for sale. For 175K. Which is so much and yet so much less than I ever expected it would sell for... I wish I was even in the parking lot of the ballpark of being financially ready for a house. This house is the old school building in the town I grew up in. Built in 1928. Oh, hell: http://www.forsalebyowner.com/listing/A17F

I absolutely love that it still says "ROCKDALE SCHOOL" on the front of it. I wish that school was operating when I went to school, that would have saved us a bus ride or two, TamiBee!

***
arson, brevity, chaos, duality, enigma, finite, gravity, heathen, infamous, jester, king, lord, madrigal, noble, ordinary, personal, quest, radical, simple, tree, upward, vision, wonder, xylem, yang, zen.
***

"The mind is as restless as a monkey, the Buddha taught. Who you are, what you think of as yourself, is constantly changing. Like a river, endlessly flowing; one thing today, another tomorrow. There's water in a river, then there's water in a glass, and then the water is back in the air, then it's back in the river. The water's there, but what is it? That's a way to think about the self in Buddhism; one moment you're angry, the next moment you're laughing- Who are you? A seed becomes a plant. Wisps of grass are spun into a rope, a trickling stream becomes a river. The self comes and the self goes..."

God bless PBS.

This was one of those entries that has to be edited like literally five times.

(whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-09-03 02:47
Subject:
Security:Public

I've been in that state of mind I get into sometimes... Half in this world, half... ummm...? Just not. It is a combination of sullen and solitary. The act of staring into space, pondering the most random, implausible-yet-intruiging bullshit. Or worse, totally inane everyday worries bullshit. Introspective to the point of feeling turned inside out. I feel bad for my wife when I get into this mode, because we could not be any more opposite if we tried. But we love each other and try to remember and respect that one of is "needy" and one of us is "independent", as one of us would say. She's with her family right now, which is probably better for her; I feel like since I don't have the option to be dazed or solitary at work, once I'm out, it's on. I deleted half the music on my iPod because I was sick of the all music being so upbeat. Joni Mitchell and Pink Floyd are in my brain and my guts. During the Chinese Medicine/Shiatsu portion of massage school, we learned about how people are categorized by the elements... Long lists of personality traits, physical symptoms... Metal. With imbalance comes sadness, respiratory problems, skin problems, the urge to sigh... Earth nurtures metal. Metal nurtures water. Water nurtures wood. Wood nurtures fire. Fire nurtures earth. "Exercise is the best cure for an earth imbalance." Ugh. So lazy. Was doing so good. I know I'm fine. I know everything is fine. I just feel like one of those people who goes and lives in a cave by choice sometimes. I have that feeling and then I picture myself actually sitting in a cave alone... It's not that appealing after what I imagine would amount to a few days... It's just a metaphor for the space I want for my brain. And why am I reserving so much space for my brain anyway? It's just an organ. It's not ME. It's a receptor for information, not the one who uses the information to make a choice. Right? I know I am made of cells, but do cells make decisions? Who is in here? Where has she been? Where is she now? I picture myself as pure energy sometimes; everywhere, nowhere, bursting with light, fueled by joy, rocketing through space with a sound like an angelic tea pot ever-present. And then I'm born. Again.

(1 saucy secret | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-07-12 18:11
Subject:
Security:Public

It's always fascinated me how sometimes a "random" thought seems to be a foreshadow to an event that's about to occur. I'll think of it one day and then a day or two later- a manifestation. I recently (sometime within the past 5 days) decided to start jotting these things down when they occured, because things that like interest nerds like me... I already have six instances saved in a text message that I keep forwarding to myself. It's not like they're life-altering occurences, but they have occured, nonetheless.

For instance: I was thinking one day about the disgusting bugs with about a billion legs that I used to see in my room in Main Building and freak out over. I was thinking about how once I was sitting on the floor and one of them raced right by my foot and almost gave me a freaking heart attack... I was thinking about how I'd never seen a bug like that before Wells and hadn't seen any since, thank GOD. Well, wouldn't you know the next day I was cleaning out the shower at work and one of those damn bugs went zooming by my foot and almost gave me a freaking heart attack.

Another instance: Yesterday Pathy and I were driving up to the college camp where the kids were doing team-bonding exercises. As were going up the drive, I was looking at all the trees and remembering this documentary I saw once where a scientest was talking about how some salamanders live their entire lives in the canopy of one tree and how another person was making a digital picture of a Redwood that would take up 5 pages in a Nat Geo centerfold... Today I played a Taboo from my recorded tv list that was supposed to be about people in "strange relationships"... But it actually turned out to be that very same documentary. I watched it twice in a row.

One more: The other day I was trying to figure out if this year would be the 9th or 10th anniversary of 9/11 (seemed VERY random at the time). I had to give myself a mental "wowwww" because it actually took me a minute to figure it out, even though I know what year it happened and what year it is now... The next night Kevin was trying to figure out the same thing and was going between 9 and 10... The other people in the room gave him some shit because of the simple math, but I totally knew where he was coming from.

Like I said... Nothing life-altering, just noteworthy (to me). I wonder... Do I think of it because it's going to happen; does it happen because I think of it; or is it totally coincidental that a few random thoughts out of a billion had a corresponding experience?

(2 saucy secrets | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-07-07 12:30
Subject:
Security:Public

Trying not to be Debbie Downer.
Trying to tell myself the majority of us have to work, deal with it.
Trying to tell myself that someday we can do whatever we want.
Trying to believe it.
Trying not to worry... failing.
Trying to be positive... failing.
Trying not to feel like my life will never really be mine.
Trying to understand that responsibility is not the root of all evil.
Trying not to get in one of my moods where I just want to run away.
Trying...
Failing...
Wondering if we should scrimp and save every bit to pay bills now, or just enjoy ourselves and do what we can since we have so many bills...
Ugh.
I get like this. I hate it.

(2 saucy secrets | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-06-02 10:55
Subject:
Security:Public

-I woke up at 5am on Monday morning fresh from a dream where I couldn't breathe properly... Those have to be the worst. I remember pushing my jaw down with my fingers to try to open the airway. I remember that my co-worker, Caitlin, was making me a huuuge nebulizer treatment. The only other thing I remember specifically was that I ended up getting a heart surgery, but it wasn't done by the doctor, it was done by the doctor's wife. Hmmmm.

-I woke up this morning having just dreamed that I accidentally went to work braless and wearing my Mario pajama pants. Caitlin was there again, she had on pj pants too (the superhero ones that a bunch of the boys have at work) but she didn't seem to be the hot mess that I did.

(whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-04-02 10:38
Subject:
Security:Public

I've been trying really hard to eat better and exercise more... Whenever I do these things, even for a short amount of time, I'm always amazed at how much better I feel overall. I do not want to be a sad, pessimistic, drained, little creature who grows more obese by the day just lying in bed on the laptop... I've also been inspired to work on my own business with the goal of living off my massage career by the time I turn 30. Which, if I have to remind anyone, is at the end of THIS YEAR. I feel that it's time for a very big change in my life. I started looking at myself and my life and while some things are perfect and should never change, others I've overlooked, pushed aside or just plain ignored. I have been operating under the false assumption for far too long that I can just sit back and let whatever is "supposed to happen" happen. Meanwhile, people who are actually using their energy to better themselves and their lives leap forward into personal/vocational success and even joy... I love the work I do at Springbrook, I love the kids, I love most of my co-workers, but I've been working in direct care for seven years now and it's always the same thing: I love the people and hate all the circumstances. I hate having to work until 11:15pm, I hate getting mandated, I hate having to wonder if I will be able to get time off for things that are really important to me, I hate having to worry that someone is going to write me up or even suspend me for forgetting one detail out of ten million that I'm supposed to remember off the top of my head... But for the all the things I can find to bitch about, there are a lot of benefits that I'm scared to give up. Paid vacation and sick time, $750 on a debit card each year for medical expenses, and of course: stable money. It may be a lot less than a typical Massage Therapist's salary, buuuuut at least I know it's coming. I can't use it as a crutch forever. I know eventually I'll have to take a big risk to make a big change. I have a lot of things to look into, a lot of marketing to do, things to buy, people to talk to, etc. I want the dream business I've been planning in my journals for years and years... A community center where massage, health, activism, education, fun, love and inclusion (to name a few) are the priorities. I can see it all. I have so many ideas... For workshops, the space itself, how to staff it, events I want to hold, other professionals I want to work with... So. Long story short: Big ideas need big energy. I have roughly eight months. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaand GO!!!!!!!!!

(whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2010-01-02 00:04
Subject:
Security:Public

Priceless moments... My parents got a new computer and have been learning how to use it. I received this message from my mom, it was titled "test".

Hi Midge Let me know if you get this

LOL!! Yes, yes, I got your email. Tonight I got one from my dad titled "me too!" It says:

Hi Midge,
I'm online too.
Love,
Dad

OMG. I tried telling them they need to get on facebook, my mom wasn't too sure about it, she says it takes her forever just to check her email. Mwahahahahaha!

(1 saucy secret | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2009-12-21 16:21
Subject:
Security:Public

I know I've been dwelling on this way too much, and even texted Jen about it this morning, but my feelings are hurt! One of our couple friends sent out their yearly holiday cards and only addressed it to Pathy, including inside the card... It had their generic family update inside and then they had handwritten something like "You're a great friend, we love spending time with you..." Aaaaaaaaaaaand what am I????????????? She's been able to go to more of their functions since she doesn't work weekends, buuuut...? I just don't get it. You either forgot about me or just left me out. Either way, kinda shitty.

(2 saucy secrets | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2009-10-14 07:11
Subject:
Security:Public

I have several recurring themes in my dreams... I just woke up from the culmination of several of them in one. I was supposed to be going to a class being taught by Carolyn Morales but I couldn't find my shoes, didn't know what book I needed and didn't know if there had been a homework assignment. I was planning to bring every single book on my bookshelf to ensure I at least had the book. Class was supposed to start at 4pm and I just kept watching time go by as I looked for my shoes, tried to find my backpack, tried to think of who I could call to ask about homework, then realized those people would already be in class where they belonged. Again I was thinking I needed to go to "The Office" and get a printout of my schedule. I didn't want to be late to her class, yet I didn't want to miss the opportunity to be around her. I had seen her before class and had a pleasant conversation, so I knew she would think it was weird that I didn't show up to her class. She had a tiny, blond daughter in this dream, maybe like three-years-old. The overall feeling was of me trying to be impressive and failing miserably in every aspect. So... Carolyn Morales dreams, shoe dreams and school dreams independently of each other all leave me feeling unprepared, disorganized, unimpressive, rushed, clueless, etc... you can imagine how they felt all together in the motherload dream.

(1 saucy secret | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2009-09-22 10:59
Subject:
Security:Public

One cell in the office,
one cell in the jail.
One bare, gray cell wall away
from posting my own bail.

ED 9/09

(whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2009-09-21 20:03
Subject:
Security:Public

There were so many points I wanted to make like ten minutes ago, but now... I think I'll just read Cosmo. I'm feeling reflective, but perhaps not expressive. Lots of alone time+Seneca Lake+Lois Lowry's The Giver+PMS=mind/spirit spasms.

EDITED to note: and 'gasms!

(1 saucy secret | whisper sweet nothings)





Date:2009-09-14 21:53
Subject:
Security:Public

PS: Pathy finally got the results of her sleep study that she did like a month ago or more... The dude told her that she woke up 261 times during the night!!!! So obv she has to get the machine. I've been telling her for years that she has sleep apnea, now we know officially.

(1 saucy secret | whisper sweet nothings)




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