I have several recurring themes in my dreams... I just woke up from the culmination of several of them in one. I was supposed to be going to a class being taught by Carolyn Morales but I couldn't find my shoes, didn't know what book I needed and didn't know if there had been a homework assignment. I was planning to bring every single book on my bookshelf to ensure I at least had the book. Class was supposed to start at 4pm and I just kept watching time go by as I looked for my shoes, tried to find my backpack, tried to think of who I could call to ask about homework, then realized those people would already be in class where they belonged. Again I was thinking I needed to go to "The Office" and get a printout of my schedule. I didn't want to be late to her class, yet I didn't want to miss the opportunity to be around her. I had seen her before class and had a pleasant conversation, so I knew she would think it was weird that I didn't show up to her class. She had a tiny, blond daughter in this dream, maybe like three-years-old. The overall feeling was of me trying to be impressive and failing miserably in every aspect. So... Carolyn Morales dreams, shoe dreams and school dreams independently of each other all leave me feeling unprepared, disorganized, unimpressive, rushed, clueless, etc... you can imagine how they felt all together in the motherload dream.

One cell in the office,
one cell in the jail.
One bare, gray cell wall away
from posting my own bail.

ED 9/09

There were so many points I wanted to make like ten minutes ago, but now... I think I'll just read Cosmo. I'm feeling reflective, but perhaps not expressive. Lots of alone time+Seneca Lake+Lois Lowry's The Giver+PMS=mind/spirit spasms.

EDITED to note: and 'gasms!

PS: Pathy finally got the results of her sleep study that she did like a month ago or more... The dude told her that she woke up 261 times during the night!!!! So obv she has to get the machine. I've been telling her for years that she has sleep apnea, now we know officially.

More shoe dreams this morning... I was looking everywhere for my multi-purpose black shoes, trying to make it to this church (with a bell) to see my family (including auntie and cousin from CO), before they left. Besides being unable to find my shoes, there were other things holding me back... Co-worker who needed my help, took a wrong turn while driving, etc. And not sure if this was the same dream or not, but I kept trying to brush my teeth but having problems with the toothbrush. I remember a wooden toothbrush snapping off in my mouth as I was trying to brush in the way back... don't remember how the others met their demise, but I do remember thinking that that was the third toothbrush... Weird stuff.

I know it's my own fault for going to bed at 5am two days in a row, but if my phone rings one more time, I swear to God I'm going to smash it first and then drown it. Does that sound unreasonable?

I'm on day 11 of no soda, no coffee... I don't really drink *that* much of either anyway, and both make me feel kinda icky in the gut... figured I would just drink neither for the month of August and see how it goes. I've been drinking lots of iced tea... decaf with honey, lemon and lime juice. Not bad, not bad.

Mama Doyle's 50th birthday is a week from today; we're having a bbq, naturally. You should come!

I've been unable to go on rides at the fair for being too short before, but last night was my first time not being able to ride for being too fat... I get all the way to the front of the line and the guys points to me and then to a sign that basically says that "exceptionally large" people aren't allowed. Cut to me walking down the exit ramp in front of crowds of people. :(

I wish I would stop having dreams about fucking up at school... It's always the same: I don't know my schedule, I don't have any books, I don't know where I'm going. I'm not prepared. It sucks. I always tell myself in the dream that I can go to the guidance counselor or the office if I really don't have a clue what is going on... I don't know where my locker is, I don't know the combination, I have no idea where I'm supposed to be, I'm just plain friggin' clueless. I get it.

Why do I feel like I never have anything to write on lj anymore? Even now I'm just sitting here thinking "Hmmmmm". OH! OH! I know! I know! Pathy texted me yesterday while I was at working, saying she had a surprise present for me and she would tell me what it is when I called her... So I called her back as soon as I had a moment and she told me she had just purchased tickets to one of the performances of the So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD) tour!!!!!!!! OMG!!!! I (we) have seriously never missed an episode of this show EVER!!!! IIIIIIIIIII can't wait. It would be so miraculous if somehow Donyelle ended up in one of the dances or something... she is still my favorite dancer from the show! I voted for you, Donyelle! Ohhh, boy. Ummmm, picnic at my parents' house tonight; called my mom earlier to see what I could bring and she suggested wine... sweet. I can handle that. She mentioned they were making ribs, chicken, salt potatoes, sweet corn, salsa and a bunch of other things so that's exciting. Pluuus, brother, SIL and nephew will be there <3<3<3 And a friend of my mom's who is turning 50, her family and their cake :) Right on, right on. I had this really awesome idea for a piece of art recently while I was supposed to be watching a movie... totally missed important conversations, but whatever, it's going to be super awesome... if I can somehow create what I have seen haha. Picture it though: Two goddess bodies fit together in the yin yang symbol, one milky chocolate the other cream, they have opposite colored hearts. On a very dark brown background, framed with wood. Here is an art project I may be able to accomplish! I need clay. And paint. And wood. Pathy and I have been dyking out on driving around looking at properties that are for sale... just land. We know we can't buy anything right now, but somehow it still seems fun to plan it. We want a piece of land that we can even just camp on for a little while and enjoy (and pay for) and eventually put a house there. For $50k you can buy a pimped single-wide trailer, which can later be traded in for a modular home. Which can later be replaced by a stone palace mwahahahaha!!!! But seriously. Like with a courtyard. And a live tree in a room with retractable glass walls and a dirt/grass floor. And an indoor/outdoor pool/hot tub situation. And a library. Oooo and one of those high towers. And a waterfall that powers the water wheel! In the moat!!! And solar panels. Aaaand multiple fireplaces. And a room for my rock collection... which is lovely and growing all the time. Shawn gave me a piece of coral that was alive in this area 400 million years ago so I was pretty psyched about that! When he first gave it to me I couldn't stop sniffing it, it smells like cold, ancient dirt. My wife just texted me some inspiring thoughts, now cold, ancient dirt is history. I'm a lucky girl... we both are. To spend five years living together, working together, fighting and loving together is a nice feeling... To go from strangers, to acquaintances, to roommates, to chaos, together, forever. With the dim fear that can't help but wonder how we will part... It brings tears to my eyes to consider. Whatever it is, has to be horrific. Do you ever have ideas, theories, philosophies, etc., that you don't talk about because you think people might think you're a little bonkers? Please comment below. On PostSecret this week, someone sent in a secret written in binary code... I thought for a moment that maybe I could look up binary code and try to understand what it means... Ooooops! My bad. But thanks for trying, Wikipedia. I managed to get Saturday off this past weekend so we went to our friends' yearly campout... Formerly the Kilkenny Shakedown, now the Gospel Hill Revival, same awesome people with new people every year. Gretchen, whose house/property we were at, used to work with us at The Arc and actually took my position as Service Coordinator when I left for massage school. I "trained" her. Ha. Her hippie brother, Paul, invites his friends from all over the world to attend so it's always interesting and fun and chill and all those things I like... I liked Paul right away. One of the first years we went we were at a campfire and were answering questions like "what vegetable are you?" and "what animal are you?", Paul came up after everyone was done answering and was asked the same two questions- he had the same two answers as me (peas in the pod and turtle), so he's kinda like a bff i see once a year, give hugs to, and have five minute conversations with. And hi, sexy Asians FTW at this party!!! Male and female alike. And so many wonderful things to eat!!! Almost as diverse as the people who showed, so that's always enjoyable. I realize now that I could go on and on... had plenty to say, just no focus.

Is it inappropriate to text someone at a time when you wouldn't call them? If so, my apologies, ladies... I'm home alone tonight. Usually I'm kinda cool with it, but tonight I am just feeling douchey all around, so the absence of people makes it just that much easier to be blah. Pathy is (finally) at her sleep study... I've been telling her she may have sleep apnea for close to five years now! Erika is doing the overnight. I should be sleeping since we are going to a wedding in Manhattan tomorrow. Ugh. I am so not in the mood for a long drive, dressing up, etc. I'm afraid my clothes aren't fancy enough, but I am working with our budget, our local mall, my chode-shaped body and PMS. Not cute. The two of us at the store(s) trying to find suitable clothes that we a)liked, b)fit into c)could afford... just not cute. Buuut we managed. I have a new bra that's basically HUGE. But that's to be expected. Plus we are staying with her parents for the night and will have to get up at lame o'clock in the morning so I can get to work on time on Saturday. I'm getting out at 8pm on Saturday for Pathy's 30th birthday party!!!!!!!! We are just now having our friends party, even though her birthday was weeks ago at this point... We had a lot of fun staying with her family at the cabin for the actual day; I suspect this will be a slightly different kinda party. BTW Kevin, if you read this, I'm sorry we're not watching dancing! Believe me, I wish we were. But I got two (2) thirty (30) packs of Coors for you kids. And some other essential party items. Like chips. And cheese/crackers/pepperoni. Strawberry shortcake stuffffff.... mmmm. I love that we had strawberry shortcake as our wedding cake :) And I hate that I'm going to sleep alone :(

I got Pathy's birthday messages all printed out and put in a book today... Of course our printer is currently disabled and the flash drive I borrowed turned out to formatted for a Mac... so it took a little longer than I was hoping for; but it's all done now and it looks really good! Twelve pages of nice notes from people from all over! Super! The book I found at Walmart, it's black and white but has teal lining on the inside. I looked for paper there to match but figured I'd have better luck at Office Max (which is where I printed from). They had THE PERFECT black and white paper with little teal boundaries around where the text goes!!! Couldn't have worked out better in that department!!!! I've been messing with Pathy, pretending I have absolutely nothing for her and am in total despair... hehe. Honestly, I would like to have an actual *present* as in something one buys in the store, but I'm just really broke and spent my money on the book, the paper, the printing, a card, a bag and tissue paper... I think she'll be perfectly happy with the book, but I would also like to get her something totally pimp. She is turning 30, after all. Suggestions?

"Homo-flexible (attracted mostly to the same sex, but have some attraction to opposite sex)"

Hahahahahhahaha!!!! Yeah, exactly!!!


Go here to help a Human Sexuality graduate student and take an interesting survey!

Pathy and I are on the front page of the paper today... hahahhahahahhaha. We went to a pride picnic here in Oneonta and people from the local newspaper came and talked with lots of folks... so I'm not too sure how we were chosen to go on the front of the paper, but it appears that we were!

http://www.thedailystar.com/homepage

1. A week ago yesterday I went to urgent care for a "boil" that had gone above and beyond and was killing me... ended up in the ER getting it drained, and had to pack a huge hole in my gut full of gauze and saline twice a day for a week... I went for a follow-up visit today and was told that it is healing well, no longer needs to be packed, just put this cream on it and cover it with gauze. AWESOME! And another week of light duty. You guys are all lucky that I don't have a cord to download pics of my nastiness from my phone... but honestly, it was disgusting. And large. More than an inch in diameter and a few cm deep. And I found out today that I had MRSA as well... which I'm sure I got at work since we had several cases of it there. But the PA I saw today said that the antibiotics I took over the past week should have taken care of it and I should see my PCP for another culture after this thing is totally healed. I'm just so relieved to not be in so much pain... I was taking wayyyyyyyy too many pain relievers just get through the day. I've been alternating between trying to just go into zen meditation and forget that I even have pain receptors and a body and getting all fight club on myself and just focusing on the pain and the moment and the life experience and the humanity of it all! lol

2. Pathy's 30th birthday is now only eleven days away. I juuuuust had the idea YESTERDAY for her present... which involves collecting personalized messages from as many people as I can who know and love my wife... this entailed me sending facebook message after facebook message and following up with a few emails. So far I have eight responses... not too bad for the first day after asking. I hope to get a shit ton more just because I know they will mean a lot to her. Pathy will pretty much go 10,000 miles out of her way just to help someone she doesn't even know, so I know her friends and family all have plenty of wonderful things to say... I think it would be super if she had it in writing to keep forever.

3. Speaking of my wife, she truly is a saint. She changed my bandages two times a day, every single day for a week, helped me in the shower, washed my hair and even shaved my legs for me once! She went to the store to buy the stuff we needed to do the procedure, she was gentle, she was nice to me while I cried and just took such good care of me that it's making me cry again now. OH. And by the way, that was all AFTER she held my hand in the ER until I BRUISED it while they shot the booboo with local anesthetic, cut it open with a blade, squeezed, poked, scraped, cut, etc... you know, I have to say... I always thought morphine would be wayyy more effective.

4. Ok, seriously. Ever since I got this thing I've been crying my eyes out over EVERYTHING. Happy things, sad things, painful things, even just thinking about them or anticipating what might happen... I honestly can not remember a period in my life where I could have possibly cried this much.

5. Father's Day is this weekend... what to get the father?! He is so hard to buy for. He's been on voluntary unemployment from the factory he has worked at for close to 36 years and couldn't be happier. If they offer him another 30 days when he calls tomorrow, he has every intention of taking it. He has been enjoying himself, finally! After all these years of working inside that place (where he wouldn't even take us, even on family picnic day), he is getting a chance to lay low, sleep in, work around the house, spend time with his dad, etc. I'm glad to know that he is getting some time to himself... he sure does deserve it. I would like to have a picture of my grandfather, father, brother and nephew... if only I could find my camera...

C'mon... you know you wanna.

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

I got some lacy, ruffled undies with little rainbows all over them... they were a big hit ;)

Other than that, it's all SSDD... We're going to visit the Hilliards on Monday and it is making my week go slowwwww! We're gonna do other things after we leave their house, but I have no idea what yet... just wife bonding time, mostly :)

( ok, that's enough personality quizzes )

More dreams about being unprepared for school this morning: I'm on the school bus and realize that I haven't done my English homework for Mr. Luettger's English class. I am fumbling through my backpack trying to find the necessary tools to do it (a notebook, a pen and a dictionary). The contents of my backpack and falling out everywhere, half the time the bag is not even mine, the notebook turns out to be graph paper, etc. I call up to Heather Melita for help and she is making out with Kristi Veenhof several seats up (yeah, high school crushes!)... I see them stop and then Heather comes back to my seat with her homework in hand; she gives it to me to copy and returns to her seat. I try and reorganize but everything is still falling all over the floor, I can't find an empty page in my notebook, the only pen I can find is a red calligraphy pen... etc, etc, etc. I finally get my resources together and find that I still can't copy Heather's work. I read the letters on the page but when I go to write them, they are all the wrong letters. I keep trying to copy the paper and get it done, but get it wrinkled and lose it several times amongst my mess in the process... never did finish. Then we are in class and I don't have my English book, I haven't read the story, and it appears that everyone else has several pages of critique on the story that they've written in front of them, and I don't have that either. I have another text book that is about equal in size and open it in front of me, but I'm secretly reading along with the guy next to me, who is somewhat in my personal space anyway.

I was beginning to wonder if I was moving past the school and shoe dreams because I hadn't had one of either in quite some time...

I've been more productive in the past three hours than I am in entire *days* in this apartment sometimes... went to move my car, went to Dollar General and got some gloves for cleaning and doing the dishes (as well as some cereal, milk, granola bars and Craisins), did the dishes in the sink, cleaned out the fridge, did the dishes from that, bagged up all the garbages and took five bags to the dumpster, bagged the recyclables, and a few other small things... like putting coats in the closet and removing my shoes from under the computer, etc. I would still like to pick up a few things in the common areas and straighten up the bedroom before calling it a day and watching the Pink Floyd documentary "The Pink Floyd Story: Which One's Pink?"


*post hibernation stretch*

Date:	2009-03-09 10:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	nauseated

Sooo, my latest mishap took place yesterday in my car on the way to work. I stopped at Hess so one of the guys riding to campus with me could run in, I was super thirsty and saw there was water bottle on his side so I grabbed it, wiped off the sport cap and got in a few good gulps before I realized it was the laundry detergent...!!! It was in a blue bottle so I never noticed the suspicious color. SO EFFING DISGUSTING. I found a little actual water in my trunk, Joel gave me some of the Red Bull he'd just purchased and Kevin gave me some gum... but the taste of salty lemon chemical perfume just would not leave my mouth, nose and throat areas. I drank a bunch of water, some milk and ate close to a sleeve of Saltines when I got to work. We'd just been discussing how it I'd gotten up so recently in the day that it was impossible to tell what kind of day it was going to be... two minutes later, I'm drinking detergent. If you're wondering why the detergent was in a water bottle, it's because the jug of it is so immense that it's just silly to carry it around. And I've found out the hard way way too many times that laundry detergent freezes.